


All I want

by xenoglossy



Category: Analogue: A Hate Story/Hate Plus (Visual Novel series)
Genre: Bittersweet, Diary/Journal, F/F, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-19 00:21:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5948932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xenoglossy/pseuds/xenoglossy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ae-jeong and Jin-a, after it's all over, still manage to steal a few moments together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All I want

**Author's Note:**

  * For [phidari](https://archiveofourown.org/users/phidari/gifts).



**All I want (1) - Heo Ae-jeong**

Another day, another interminable social event at which I provide refreshments and light entertainment to the Mugunghwa’s most eminent politicians and businessmen while they drool all over me. It was humiliating once, but at this point it’s just dull. When you’ve played the same role for long enough, it begins to be difficult to find something fresh and spontaneous to bring to each night’s performance. And this, my longest-running production yet, seems set to continue for the foreseeable future, at least until I become unacceptably old and ugly. I wonder how much longer that will be.

Well, no point in borrowing trouble. Anyway, after the party I managed to slip out for a bit and went to see Jin-a. She’s doing well, I think. Better than me, certainly. For a while we just sat together in her kitchen and talked about nothing very important--I can’t remember the half of it now, but it was nice, not having to play the usual role. It’s not that I don’t have to pretend around her at all, of course. I don’t let on about my worries for the future. I try not to show just how tired I am. I don’t tell her that part of me now wishes I had been as strong as she was, that my pragmatism was half cowardice after all. (What good would it do for her to know now? I’ve made my choice.) But at least I get to be something other than a former idol brought low, now perfectly demure and subservient as a demonstration of the completeness of the Ryu family’s conquest. Which is refreshing.

Eventually she decided we had talked enough, and--taking the lead as usual--she kissed me. Gently at first, but then more and more hungrily, and I confess that had I not been leaning against the counter and had her strong hands not been gripping my shoulders, I might have fallen over. I won’t say that the wave of desire washed away all my worries, all thoughts of anything but her, but it came close.

With some difficulty, we separated long enough to make our way to the bed, where, I’m afraid, I undressed her with all the clumsy enthusiasm of an adolescent. It had been so long since we had seen each other; I was, perhaps, over-eager. But her hands were deft and sure as they freed me from my hanbok, and equally so as they caressed my breasts. I shuddered as her hands moved down over my belly and then went to teasingly stroke my thighs, her fingers approaching but never quite reaching where I wanted them to be. Before long, however, she took pity on me, sliding one hand between my legs.

She was very generous, not even giving me the chance to reciprocate as she lavished attention on me, and before long I was completely undone, falling to pieces at her touch. And then I really did forget about everything else; my world shrank to just us two and just that moment, which seemed to stretch on and on--but soon, of course, it ended, bringing me unpleasantly but inevitably back to reality.

But rather than dwell on that, I set to work returning the favor, trailing kisses from her lips to her collarbone, over her breasts and stomach and then farther down, coaxing from her those delightful moans I haven’t heard in far too long. She hasn’t become any less responsive with time. I could almost imagine that all these years hadn’t passed, that we were back in the early days of our relationship when everything was, if not simple, then at least simpl _er_.

Afterwards, we lay together for a while, not talking. In the silence I listened to her breathing, and I felt her warm weight against me, and in that moment I wanted nothing more than to just... stay. But my patron would miss me soon, if he hadn’t already.

Jin-a must have expected as much, but she still looked at me so sadly when I extricated myself from her embrace. “I wish you didn’t have to go,” she said.

“I know,” I replied. What else could I say? “I wish the same, but...”

I didn’t finish the sentence; I didn’t have to. We’ve had this conversation many times before. I worry sometimes that having me in this incomplete, imperfect way is harder on my little flower than not having me at all, but I must remind myself that that is her decision to make. I tried once to leave her for her own good, and yet here I am. My dear Jin-a is tougher than she looks, and she can be terribly stubborn. It is tempting to think that I know what is best for both of us, that I should make the hard decisions and she’ll thank me later, but no--only she can know what will make her happy.

And in the end, that’s really all I want.

**All I want (2) - Mae Jin-a**

Loooong day at the flower shop yesterday. I mean, the number of customers was pretty much the usual (and most of them don’t even comment on the fact that I’m not married anymore, thank goodness, because I was _so_ tired of having that conversation), and no one even demanded anything that unreasonable, probably because no one super important and rich came by. They can be _so_ ridiculous sometimes. Like, I’m sorry, but if I don’t have a flower in stock I can’t grow five dozen for you from scratch and have them ready for your party tomorrow, I don’t care if you’re the Emperor himself. I mean, not that he actually ever comes in here, which is just as well. But after closing I had to do the finances, which is not my favorite thing at the best of times, because it’s just so boring, but lately it seems harder and harder to get the numbers to add up to what they need to be for me to, you know, live.

But that evening Ae came over, which pretty much made up for everything. Maybe this is weird, but being with her feels sort of like a break from my everyday life--like, my time with her belongs to some other, more beautiful world, far away from the realities of the flower shop and its demanding customers and all the bills I have to pay. Gosh, that really does sound stupid now that I write it down. I don’t have a second career as a poet ahead of me, that’s for sure. The point is, I was so, so happy to see her--it was just what I needed after a day like that.

I made some tea and we chatted for a while, not really about anything important. I mean, she talked about some of the embarrassing stuff the politicians and businessmen she meets have done, usually when drunk--and she did these amazing impressions of them too, I was dying laughing--and I told her some silly stories about stuff that happened at the flower shop, but I didn’t tell her about the money problems or anything. It would only be awkward, anyway--I mean, she never has to worry about money. Maybe she was the smarter one all along.

Anyway, eventually there was this lull in the conversation and she sort of leaned in like she was expecting me to kiss her, so of course I did, and oh man, it was every bit as good as I remembered, if not even better. She was so so intense, like all the time we’d been apart she’d been storing up energy for this moment. Ugh, that sounds stupid too, doesn’t it? Well, anyway, I practically could have let her take me right there in the kitchen, but I had juuuust enough presence of mind to realize that that would have been super uncomfortable in the end, so I pried myself away and we stumbled off to the bed.

Usually she seems to like to get me off first, but last night I didn’t give her the chance--I felt a little bad, but I just couldn’t keep my hands off her. It had been such a long time, and I miss her, you know? I mean, I miss everything about her--her grace, her dry sense of humor, the elegant way that she talks, like she’s always performing in a play with a script written by someone _way_ more articulate than me--but I also miss her body. I miss touching her, I miss the way she moves under my hands and the little noises that she makes. I mean, she doesn’t make nearly as much noise as I do, but that just means that it’s more rewarding when I can get her to. She always seems so in control of herself, so when I can get her to let go a little, I really feel like I’m doing something right.

When we were done we lay in bed together for a while, like a normal couple--like neither of us had anywhere else to be, like we were going to fall asleep there and wake up together the next day. To be honest I almost _did_ fall asleep, but all too soon Ae got up and said she had to be on her way.

“I wish you didn't have to go,” I said, and then I immediately felt bad, because it's not like she gets on my case about what I have to do to make a living, right? So it's not fair for me to give her a hard time.

“I know, but....” And she trailed off, I guess not sure where to start with the long list of reasons why she couldn't stay here, not that I haven't heard most of them a hundred times already.

“I'm sorry,” I said.

“That's all right,” she replied a bit absently, and then the whole rest of the time she was getting ready to go, we didn't really say anything meaningful. She looked so sad and tired the whole time, and I really hope it wasn't what I said that did it. I mean, yes, in an ideal world I'd want to be with her all the time. But even if I can't be, I love her, and if I can make her as happy as she makes me, even just for a few hours every so often... well, that's all I want, really.


End file.
